


A Feeling of Home

by Caro (thestarsexist)



Category: The OC
Genre: First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-26
Updated: 2003-08-26
Packaged: 2017-10-16 23:04:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/170350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestarsexist/pseuds/Caro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan's never had a home before. Spoilers up to The Gamble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Feeling of Home

**Author's Note:**

> First real fic in a new fandom. Thanks to kormanfan for the kickass beta. fox1013 for reading a fic with boyparts and encouraging me, speshope for another set of eyes, and ximeria who hasn't been in a fandom with me for a while, but holds my hand anyway.
> 
> Most especially, thanks to joyfulgirl41 for audiencing this while I typed it straight into an AIM window and making me believe I could write this. *loves joy*
> 
> Finally, for slodwick, cause I floves her.

The bedroom is bigger than most of the apartments he’s lived in. Ryan feels like a ghost here. He doesn’t quite belong, and any minute he expects Mrs. Cohen to walk in, and tell him that she's changed her mind. That maybe he's just not the type of kid a mother can love.

Any mother.

God knows, his own mother had no trouble walking away. Twice.

The thought settles in his stomach like ice, making him cold all over. He climbs out of bed, pushing the sheets aside, digging his feet into the plush carpet. He needs air. Opening a window does nothing. He still feels claustrophobic and trapped. Everything's too big and too small all at once. He feels the need to run, and he's not sure where he's going when he opens the door and walks out of the room.

But he's not really surprised when he swings Seth's door open.

"Hey," Seth greets him sleepily, pulling his head out from under the comforter. He flips on the light next to his bed and smiles up at Ryan like Ryan bursting into his room in the middle of the night isn't so odd.

Ryan used to always be afraid when people came into his room at night. It always meant something bad. Like one of his mom’s boyfriends who’d had a little too much to drink and decided that he’d work his anger out on Ryan.

Seth looks groggy and not quite awake, but not at all afraid.

"Trouble sleeping?" he asks. He's alert now, sitting up in bed, and he's not wearing a t-shirt today. Ryan stares at his skin. He wonders if Seth is cold, except Seth never seems like he’s cold. Seth is warm like sunshine just seems to pour out of his skin, and all Ryan can think is that he's been so cold for so long. Ryan wants what Seth promises and he thinks that's as good a reason as any to leave right now.

Ryan's sure that if he takes what Seth offers, he'll never be able to leave. And one day, he'll overstay his welcome and Seth's not going to want him around either, and he thinks maybe that'll hurt more. More than even his own mother walking out on him.

He doesn't want to wonder why that is.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Seth's rubbing his eyes and looking at him, concerned now, and then he's pulling off his sheets, getting out of bed. Ryan should really leave.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," he mumbles, and backs out the door, except Seth's quick, and Seth grabs a hold of him before he can leave.

"Hey, where are you going? What's wrong?" Seth's stroking soothing circles on his back, and instead of calming Ryan down, it's only making him more panicked.

"I-I—" he stutters, and doesn't know what to say.

Seth wraps his arms around Ryan, pulling him in for a big hug, and Ryan's skin just burns where Seth touches him.

"Everything's okay," Seth promises.

It's not, Ryan wants to say. Everything won't ever be okay, because none of this is permanent. This is all a dream, and sometime, somewhere, Ryan's going to wake up again, and he's going to be alone. He's not going to be in Seth's house, with Seth's family. He's not going to be with Seth. And Ryan wants to tell Seth all this, except Seth's holding onto him, and all Ryan can think of is how he's going to miss this.

Seth gives out these hugs like they're nothing and they're the most precious things Ryan's ever had.

Seth's the most precious thing Ryan's ever known, and God, right now, he doesn't blame Mrs. Cohen for not wanting Ryan around Seth at all. He wants to protect Seth too and he hasn't loved him for nearly as long as she has.

And God. He does. He loves Seth, and knowing that is scary.

No one he’s loved has stuck around. Ever.

He only realizes he's crying when he feels the wet slickness on Seth's skin. Seth doesn't pull away. Instead, he holds onto Ryan even tighter, and Ryan can't help but cling back.

They stand that way for a few minutes until Ryan can regain his composure. He pulls back, wiping his hands on the back of his arm.

"Sorry about that," he mumbles, embarrassed.

"Dude, don't be," Seth says. "If I'd had the week you'd had, I'd be bawling like a baby by now."

"Isn't that what I was doing?" Ryan asks, with a weak smile.

"Nah. That was very dignified crying. Mine would have included a full-blown tantrum. Maybe throwing myself on the floor and kicking my legs."

"Cute. Very cute."

"I was a special child."

"You’re still special," Ryan says, and it comes out a little too seriously.

Seth blushes. "Seriously, man, it's okay. No one expects you to be all better right away."

"I'm not good at—"

"Asking for help. Yeah I get that." He steps back a bit, and sits down on the bed. "I'm really glad you're staying, Ryan."

Ryan sits down next to him. "I'm glad too," he starts.

"But?"

Ryan stares at his hands. "What if this doesn't work out? I mean, I don't exactly fit in around here."

Seth shrugs, and tosses himself backwards on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. "Neither do I. We can 'not fit in' together."

"It's not the same," Ryan says. He lies down next to Seth, facing him.

"Yeah. Because you're way cooler than I could ever hope to be."

Ryan rolls his eyes. "You're cool."

"I'm a dork."

"And I'm a criminal from Chino with a drunk mom. Trust me, I'm the bigger loser."

"Stop that," Seth snaps. Ryan stares at him, a little surprised. "I'm sorry, I didn't… Don't say those things about yourself." Seth's close to him now, his breath warm against Ryan's face, and Ryan just watches him, watches little lines furrow into his brow, and he's enchanted.

"Why not?" he whispers, and then there's really nothing separating them. Seth's lips against his, just opening up all soft and slow, and Ryan was right. Seth is just warm, and full of sunshine, and he can't let go.

He feels Seth push him back, and he rolls onto his back, holding on to Seth the entire time, pulling him on top. It's only when Seth pushes again that Ryan realizes that he's trying to pull away.

Shit.

He lets go. Stares at Seth, and tries to think up some kind of apology.

Seth's lips are pink and bruised. He's just watching Ryan like Ryan's grown a second head, and God, he just messed everything up, didn't he?

"I'm sor—Fuck. I should go." He scrambles to rise from the bed.

Seth presses down on his chest. "You're not going anywhere." This time Seth leans forward and presses a quick kiss to Ryan's lip.

Ryan shakes his head, confused. "I thought I screwed up."

"You didn't," Seth whispers against his ear. "I just wasn't ready."

"And now?" Ryan prods.

Seth settles on top of him, skin pressed against skin, and nuzzles him. "I'm getting there."

"God," Ryan breathes, and kisses him again, hard and wet and fast, because it's Seth, and he's letting Ryan, and Ryan has never felt so warm in his entire life. His hands roam up and down Seth's back, and Seth responds by pushing himself down against Ryan, rubbing against him, and Ryan thinks he might just burn.

"And it's okay if you do," Seth whispers, in between kisses.

"It's okay if I what?" Ryan asks, exploring Seth's sweat slicked skin.

"It's okay if you screw up. You still won't have to go."

Ryan freezes. He lifts his eyes to look at Seth's.

"You won't ever have to go, I promise," Seth says, and his eyes are so dark, and Ryan's never wanted to believe anyone more.

He'd told himself he'd never trust in another promise ever again.

Seth scoots off him, rolls onto the bed again, and strokes Ryan's arm idly.

"What if I screw up a lot?" he finds himself asking.

"Even then," Seth says firmly. "This is your home."

"I've never had a home before," Ryan confesses.

Seth nods. "This can be your first."

Ryan closes his eyes, and breathes, and for the first time in a while, thinks maybe it won't hurt so much to believe in a promise. Either way, he wants to try.

"Okay," he says, swallowing.

Seth smiles. "I bet you're tired."

"A little."

Seth reaches over, and pulls the blanket around the both of them.

"Well, it is two a.m. How about we try to get some sleep?"

Ryan nods, and settles in next to Seth. He listens to Seth fall asleep next to him, and the sound of his breathing.

He doesn't feel like so much of a ghost now, not with Seth anchoring him down and making sure he doesn't float away. There's a weight across his chest, but rather than suffocating him, it feels comfortable. Safe.

Maybe this is what home feels like, he thinks, as he closes his eyes.

(End)


End file.
